It’s nearly 1 am — I should have been asleep an hour ago, but C and I stayed up talking for a long time. We were talking about our (broken) families, sharing both happy and sad memories with each other. Sometimes it feels weird to get so deep with a person – “I didn’t mean to turn this into therapy” – but it’s starting to feel more natural. We heal when we open up, and we’ve both had deep dark secrets and parts of our minds that we don’t dare venture into. I’m certainly not ready to open the floodgates, but the more we know about each other, the closer I feel.
I’m not afraid of him hurting me with any information I give him.. which is huge. Maybe part of that is my growth, but really he’s an exceptionally kind, patient man. He’s been hurt badly too, so we get each other.
We were just about to go to sleep when we heard a LOUD SCARY GUNSHOT. It was super close to our apartment complex — which is rare. We live in a notoriously seedy town, but we live in the nicest part of it. (It’s still a dilapidated ghetto, but it’s not as bad as it is over the freeway!)
And I can’t help but be really sad. There are so many young children and sweet families in my complex. Do the mothers live in fear? What do the children think of the violence? They must know about it.. you can’t stay blissfully ignorant/innocent for long when you’re poor and live in the hood.
But the families keep living their lives. There are always children playing on the stairs, around the building. Almost all the doorsteps have plants in front of them. I think sometimes, the less you have, the more you appreciate the little things. If you live in a dangerous neighborhood, you can either stay indoors all the time and live in fear of getting shot, or you can surround yourself with laughter and music and green plants. You’re going to die either way. You can hide from death for years, and you’ll still die, you’ll have nothing to show for it.
Whatever I’ve been hiding from off and on for years — a fear of messng up, a fear of trusting the wrong person, a fear of dying on the streets, of an overdose, or laying in a coma for years like my bio-mom.. those fears could stop me from living, but they won’t stop me from dying.
Anything can happen when you take that leap.
And so, I took the leap. I’m starting to feel settled into my new home.. feeling more and more comfortable living with C. Baby steps. I’ve never had peace, tranquility, company, and love so close to my heart. The more I let go of my fear, the more I realize, I’ve nothing to fear.
I’ve never had a blog like this before.. I’m excited though, because I rant everyone’s ear off around me and now I have a place where I’m actually expected to rant. I’m not sure if anyone will read this, or if my entries suck, but I’m enjoying this so it doesn’t matter. In case anyone does happen to stumble upon this blog, I’m going to give a little into to me and what I hope will become of this blog.
1) I can be awkward. I can be outspoken and loud and sweet and soft and polite. I can do all these things, and many more, because I am a human being and therefore don’t fit into boxes. I’m a real person, so please remember that while reading and commenting.
2) I’m in my early twenties, and I’m a girl, a lady, and a woman. I still feel like a kid sometimes. Other times I feel like I’m fifty. I’m a brand new community college student — I just finished my first semester, and I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY GRADES YET!!! YAHRG! I attempted college a few times, but I’ve been too preoccupied getting my life and head in order to focus on school. So, completing a semester and committing to school is a huge milestone for someone who never thought she’d be able to get out of bed and face class on an anxiety day.
3) I was really badly neglected, isolated, and abused until I was 12. When I finally got taken away by CPS, I was really, really damaged goods so I lived in group homes almost exclusively. Group homes are no joke – it’s like jail for kids, doing time for their parent’s crime. My emotional/social growth was totally stunted as a result, and I’ve had quite a rough time figuring out who I am and how to act since I emancipated.
4) I just moved in with my boyfriend. We have a really healthy relationship, which is incredible considering all we’ve been through in our lives. I feel like I’m learning how to be in a family for the first time, which is really powerful and scary and exciting.